The Exceptionally Simple Life: Finding Freedom In My Hamster Ball

“I think somehow we learn who we really are and then we live with that decision.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

I was bothered several months ago when my husband made it very clear to me that he thought I wasn't getting enough time alone. He then elaborated that I was a happier person when I spent more time doing things by myself. He further clarified that he meant... without the kids... or him. He was right, but that's not what bothered me. It was the knowledge of it that made me feel bad. It just sounded so anti-social. It was then I realized I viewed my needing more alone time "than the average person" as a personal defect.

I suppose it was because for years growing up I've heard more times than I can count that I didn't talk enough, that I needed to be more social, make more friends... and it was true. But as a child I just enjoyed thinking and daydreaming more than chit chatting, and reading books more than attending birthday parties. Even when I went to parties, I preferred talking to adults more than kids my own age. I thought their conversations were way more interesting.

Growing up in a very social family made me feel even more at odds with myself. And to make matters worse, most of my interests were very different from the rest of my family's. My siblings sometimes joked that I must have been adopted. If I didn't look so much like my parents I would have believed them.

I did try to be more social (with the help of my parents) by taking music lessons, participating in the school band, taking dance classes, joining the track team... I even joined the debate team in high school, which turned out to be a mistake. But I somehow managed to talk my debate teacher into letting me do most of the research. I got an A in the class thanks to my good research skills (my classmates hated doing it). I don't remember doing hardly any debating though.

Fast forward to today....

Thanks to my parent's prodding, I possess above average social skills and I've turned out to be a pretty decent public speaker... but a social butterfly I am not. Though I have fooled many people into thinking I enjoy being social, I still hate large parties, panic when the phone rings and prefer daydreaming and reading to hanging out with the girls.

Basically, as an adult nothing had changed. And my ability to be social left me even more confused. I had the skills, so what in the world was wrong with me?

Well, it turns out, absolutely nothing. I was just born an introvert. New research proves that temperament is inherited, hardwired into our brains while we are being formed in the womb and it cannot be changed!

For Christians, this discovery shouldn't be a surprise. God's Word makes it clear in Psalms 139 that He makes no mistakes, we are all fearfully and wonderfully made by our Creator and all of His works are wonderful! In light of that fact, I decided to stop trying to change myself and learn more about introversion.

What I discovered was so simple, that I was amazed at how long I had lived in the dark regarding my own temperament. To my husbands credit, he had figured it out some time ago, but somehow it had alluded me. Finally, it made sense why I didn't crave a lot of social interaction.

It's all about energy...

It's where you receive your energy that determines whether you are introverted or extroverted. For me to explain this better, I should start at the beginning with temperament hardwiring.

Temperament hardwiring is best explained in The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D., and according to her book, Introverts get the energy they need to function differently than Extroverts. I'll attempt to explain this in layman's terms.

The Extrovert brain needs plenty of stimuli in order to make the dopamine it needs to function at it's best. That's why Extroverts are happiest and more efficient when they receive stimulus from outside themselves. Their brains need lots of socialization.

However, an Introverted brain (like mine) makes it's own dopamine. It doesn't need a lot of additional stimulation to make it work better. Because we Introverts get more stimulation on a daily basis than our brains actually need, our nervous system has a tendency to become overwhelmed which makes us feel drained a lot of the time.

The example of being tickled might help Extroverts understand what Introverts deal with constantly. Tickling is fun at first, but too much tickling (stimulation) for too long becomes quickly annoying and draining. That's why after being with people for any length of time, Introverts need time alone to "recharge". That's why large parties are so draining for us. I personally get really drained when I'm out shopping which is why I shop online whenever I can.

Basically, any place where there is a lot of stimulation (lots of people moving and talking, loud music, etc.) can make an Introvert become drained very quickly. This cute and entertaining video, Party Survival Guide For Introverts, does a great job of explaining it.

Contrary to what most people think, Introversion has nothing to do with shyness. Shyness is social anxiety; an extreme self-consciousness when one is around people. It is not an issue of energy, it is a lack of confidence in social situations.

Shyness is not who you are (like Introversion), it is what you think other people think you are which makes it responsive to a behavior change, that's why Extroverts and Introverts can both suffer from shyness. Matter of fact, Extroverts who need to be with others to refuel can suffer greatly if they are shy.

So why are Introverts sometimes quiet even with just a few people around you may ask? Good question.

We make a chemical called acetycholine whenever we uses the part of our brain that controls thinking, planning and contemplating. This chemical is important because it helps an introverted brain store energy. It helps Introverts not feel drained all the time! This is why introverts may seem quiet. It's not that we are anti-social (though some can be), but because we have to think so much. Thinking helps recharge us!

Here are more ways Introverts can recharge...

reading

listening to music or an audio book

sleeping (especially after a party)

exercise (particularly walking, running or hiking)

driving around

watching a movie

writing

praying and meditating

daydreaming

doing absolutely nothing (my personal favorite)

Being introspective doesn't mean we introverts never have conversations. It's just that our conversations are generally about ideas and concepts, not about what we consider trivial matters. We have limited energy, so we don't want to waste it on small talk or gossip. We prefer topics that make us think so that we can be recharged. That may explain why many times the conversation going on in my head seem better than the ones happening around me!

Thinking a lot comes with an upside. Introverts make up 60% of the gifted population, the higher the giftedness the higher the percentage. But there are negatives, too. Because we only make up about 30-45% of the general population we are outnumbered and forced to behave like extroverts, many times to the detriment of our mental wellness, physical health (over-stimulation over a long period of time can be damaging to our nervous system) and eventually our self-esteem.

So maybe you're reading this right now and thinking, "Boy, this sounds a lot like me!" Well then, you may be an Introvert, too! A personality test I highly recommend that measures introversion is called the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. This is one of the most accurate personality tests I've ever taken. I discovered that my personality type (INTJ) is one of the rarest types, only 2 % of the population, and females make up only 0.8%. This site was helpful and did a pretty good job at explaining me to... well, me.

You can take a version of the MBTI test by clicking www.16personalities.com for free. Be prepared to get your socks blown off... it's eerily accurate. Here is a quick Myers-Briggs and Productivity video which shows how to work with your personality to be more productive at school and work.

It may be interesting to know that Sir Isaac Newton, Abraham Lincoln, Albert Einstein, Eleanor Roosevelt, Rosa Parks, Bill Gates, Steven Spielberg and Michael Jordan are well-known Introverts who have left a lasting impact on our society. There are even many famous actors and performers who classify themselves as Introverts, too. We are everywhere!

I hope reading this blog has helped some of my introverted brothers and sisters to understand and appreciate their temperament instead of cursing it. And to all my extroverted brothers and sisters, I hope reading this has helped demystify our temperament for you. But just in case it hasn't, maybe this helpful comic will.